The Wedding
by Jam.MastahXJay
Summary: My failed attempt to do a HieiTouya fic. Supashi-Bo was the inspiration for this, so yeah. This is for you. Attempted humor and romance, so yeah. R&R


OK, Supashi-Bo has been asking about a Hiei/Touya wedding on my Q&A, so the girls of YYH and me have been planning it. Rated T for bad stuff. And the wedding is taking place at my house, dammit! So no complaining! And I call them cosplayers, too! You've been warned...

* * *

It was a perfect day in Red Lake, MN. A thirteen year old girl and some... cosplayers have been dressing up a... colleague. And he, YES HE, wasn't liking it.

"JJ, you bitch! Quit making me wear these damn dresses! I don't wanna be the uke!" The thirteen year old was practically killing the... uke groom to wear a dress.

"Well, too bad, you pansy! You're the uke because you bitch and moan like a girly man!" she yelled angrily.

"Hey, where's the flower girl?" a cosplayer yelled frantically.

"Duh Mukuro, getting dressed in the bathroom!" JJ yelled, still forcing the man to wear a dress.

"Thanks JJ," she said sarcastically before leaving.

"I'm gonna make you the uke in the relationship Touya, whether you like it or not!" JJ assured the poor man, Touya,

"Dammit..."

With the seme...

"WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!" a very, very, very short and annoying cosplayer yelled, obviously annoyed.

"Hiei, if you would just let me put this tux on you, you'd be fine!" a cosplayer with long red hair yelled at him, trying to stay calm.

"Dammit, why'd we have to go next door for dressing Hiei? Yusuke's flirting with his fangirl and not doing a thing!" he yelled, trying to get through his friend, Yusuke's, head.

"So AJ, when are you free for a date?" he asked. The girl giggled.

"Stop it."

"Kurama, let the boy be!" an Irish voice said happily. "It's your short friend's big day, and you are the best man for 'im!"

"Jin, can you please go next door and see how Touya's surviving?" a bulky cosplayer asked, trying to help out Kurama.

"Sure, Kuwabara! I'll be back!" And with that, he left. "JJ!!"

"COME ON IN, JIN!!" JJ yelled out, a little relieved to hear him.

"Hey Toy, you're looking nice!" Jin said in a playful voice. Touya growled at him.

"Why'd I even ask for Hiei's hand in marriage? Why couldn't I just- Ohh..." He was silent after that, but still fighting to make sure he wasn't wearing no dress!

"Will ya sit still?! Damn, you're always squirming. LIVE A LITTLE, HUH?!" JJ finally got him to wear the one dress out of her sister's closet.

"Whoa, Touya looks... weird." A little boy with pink stars on his left cheek was at JJ's door.

"I know, right? I mean, shut up Rinku!" Rinku shrugged and left.

"Hey Yukina! You look cool!" Jin's pointy ears perked up.

"Yukina?" JJ smacked his head, hard.

"You know damn well Fox is goin' out with her, you idiot! Touya, sit still while I get a new dress." JJ grabbed another dress from the closet. Jin had a weird smirk on his face. It resembled Yusuke's perverted... Grin...

"JIN, YOU PERV!!" JJ smacked his head again and pushed him out the window. "Perverted wind demon bastard. You have a weird, yet funny as hell friend, Shorty." Touya growled at the nickname JJ always said.

"PINK, EWW!!" JJ threw the pink dress into the garbage and wanted to burn it, but no matches or lighters were around. "Here, try this on. It used to be my little big sister's dress." Touya looked at the dress and his eyes widened.

"Hey JJ, Yukina needs to- Whoaa... Touya, you wearing that for the wedding?" a cosplayer bluenette asked, her eyes widening in the dress's glory.

"I thought since the wedding's sea-themed, this would go great for it," JJ said, shrugging. She didn't give a damn about the wedding. A cosplayer with long light brown hair walked into the room, wearing a sea green robe.

"JJ, this robe isn't- Holy shit. Touya, wear that!" she said, pointing at the dress in his arms.

"But, I'm not- The seme," JJ cut in. "OK Shizuru, go and see how your baby brother's doing. To make sure the seme hasn't killed him yet." She nodded and left, taking off the robe as she did so.

"OK, I'll wear this once, and only ONCE!!" Touya said, emphasizing 'once'.

"Fine." JJ sat on the bed and looked out the window. She saw her two friends, Derek and Olivia. She left the room.

"I'll be back, Touya. I need to go talk to my friends," she told him, leaving. She had a lot of explaining to do them.

"Derek! Olive! I told you about my cosplaying idiots I call friends don't like you," she yelled. Derek threw a basketball at her.

"We wanted to know if you were gonna play B-ball at the church with us," Olivia said, looking bored.

"Yeah, my auntie is driving us," Derek chimed in.

"Sorry dudes, I gotta stay. And besides, the church is like a half mile from here. Why don't you walk?"

"Ughh. 'Cause it's freaking hot," Olive said. JJ rolled her eyes.

_"Because you're lazy, Olive." _She shook her head.

"I gotta jet. Later, ya'll. I'll play next Thursday. And anyway, why are you going to the church when it's Wednesday?" she asked.

"Because- Me and Derek are going to Hawaii for the week," Olivia said, cutting off Derek. JJ shrugged and left, waving bye to just Derek.

_"Derek can do so much better," _JJ kept thinking. She jumped on her windowsill and sat there, looking at Touya.

"You look bad-ass, Toy," she commented. Touya turned to glare at her. "What?"

"Why can't I be seme?"

"Because I wouldn't be able to laugh at you when you finally start limping everytime I saw you." She patted his shoulder before jumping off the windowsill. "So who's giving you away?"

"You are." JJ was shocked.

"Hell no. I'd have to kiss your damn cheek! Make Mukuro do it." With that, she left to her backyard.

"Bitch." Touya was sitting on her bed, thinking.

Seme...

"Arghh! Get off me!" Hiei was kicking his legs at Yusuke, who finally stopped flirting with the girl.

"I'll call you, AJ," Yusuke promised her.

"Hey, look at Shorty!" Kuwabara exclaimed. "You look nice in... ocean blue." Kuwabara tried to remain positive for the one who hated his guts.

"I hate you." Kuwabara sighed.

"I got them on you!" Yusuke stood up proudly and helped the short fire demon... I mean cosplayer, stand up.

"Dammit. Why'd the wedding have to be sea-themed?" Hiei asked in a whiny voice to Kurama.

"I don't know."

"Maybe because JJ thought you and Toy would look nice!" the Irish accented cosplayer exclaimed.

"Shut up, Jin."

In the backyard...

"Shizuru, you know what to say, right?" JJ asked for about the millionth time to the smoking cosplayer. She exhaled and cigarette smoke filled the air.

"Yeah, yeah. Anyway, where's the cake?" JJ smirked.

"I asked Keiko to do it, so she wouldn't kill Yusuke."

"Why'd you do that?"

"Because I got blackmail of him flirting with AJ," she said, showing her pictures of Yusuke and her neighbor.

"Nice. OK... Whoa..." JJ turned and groaned.

"Damn, I forgot you were the seme." Hiei growled and clenched his teeth.

_"Stay calm!"_

"OK, where's the cake and drinks?!" Kuwabara and Yusuke asked in unison.

"Keiko's getting the stuff." The bluenette was sitting in the front seat, staring at Hiei.

"What now, Botan?" he sneered.

"You look so nice on your wedding day. Oh!" She left, crying tears of joy. JJ sighed.

"Great. She's already bawling, and the damn occasion hasn't even started." JJ sat in the chair Botan was sitting in earlier. Then, a girl with shoulder length brown hair came running to a food table, putting a big cake on it and putting a box of soda and other drinks on a different talbe before collapsing.

"Geez, that was hard! But Keiko Y. has saved the day!" she exclaimed in a weary voice. Mukuro came out and dragged Keiko to a seat in the back rows.

"OK, I'll go see your bride, _Hiei,_" JJ said, running into her house. She kicked the door open. "Hey Pansy, the wedding's starting. You best be ready!" JJ warned. No response.

"JJ, I don't wanna be uke," Touya said suddenly, looking like he got in a fight. JJ smacked his shoulder. His light green 'dress' was perfect on him, and he was barefoot. JJ looked outside and caught a glimpse of Hiei. He was wearing an ocean blue tux.

_"Show off."_

"No one cares about that now! And I'll give you away if you really want me to, as long as your ice demon ass gets down that aisle!" Touya merely nodded, holding his buttox.

"He's gonna rip through me," Touya kept repeating in a grim voice.

"Boo fucking hoo. Let's go." She grabbed his arm and led him outside. There, the pastor was wearing a sea green robe, smoking a cigarette. A girl with long light blue hair was throwing wild flowers around, having a great time. Her dress was a sky blue color with a ribbon at the waist. Her crimson eyes matched the seme's eyes, who was obviously bored.

"Ahh..." JJ grimaced at the sight of Jin and Kuwabara staring at the flower girl.

"You best be taking your eyes off the girl, you bastards!" JJ whispered harshly to them as she dragged Touya to the podium.

"Yukina." Kurama directed her to stand next to a drunken Aussie. She nodded and made her way to stand next to the Aussie. JJ continued to drag Touya to the podium. Rinku was standing next to Shizuru, holding his breath. Two topaz rings were on a pillow he was holding.

"C'mon Toy," Jin kept whispering happily. He stared as his best friend was finally standing in front of Hiei. JJ unveiled his veil.

"You gotta kiss my cheek now," he whispered, trying to keep his voice down. JJ shrugged and slapped his face before sitting down in the first chair she saw.

"Bitch..." Shizuru threw her cigarette to the ground and stomped on it before clearing her throat.

"OK, we're all here to be happy for these two, since Touya popped the question to Hiei, and he agreed. Now Hiei, if you'll be kind for this one time, read your vows." Shizuru gave him a paper and Hiei growled, reading it.

"Touya, I agreed to be your mate because I was gonna be seme. I wouldn't have agreed if I was uke." Everyone giggled or snickered. "And anyway, I'll always be here for you. And a promise, I will not be gentle on you, so you will have to beg for you being able to walk next year. So, there you have it." Hiei stopped talking and Shizuru took out Touya's vows.

"Read yours next, Shorty." Touya growled loudly at her and read it.

"Hiei, I asked you to marry me because I felt like I had to. AND PLEASE BE GENTLE WHEN WE'RE **CENSORED**!! I'M BEGGING YOU!! That's all." He stopped talking.

"OK, good. Rinku, the rings," Shizuru said, looking down at the boy, who was wearing a regular black tux. The only difference was that his hat was off of his head.

"Here you go." Rinku gave them each a ring. Hiei examined it, while Touya looked confused.

"HUMAN THING!!" JJ told them.

"Ohh..." they said in unison. Shizuru looked at the two and sighed happily. Botan was crying happily, Keiko was sniffing, Yusuke was trying not to laugh, Jin was trying to hold back his cheers of victory, JJ cocked her head, Mukuro wasn't looking at them, and Kuwabara was trying not to cry. (A/N I know what you're thinking. You're all thinking, 'WTF?!')

"Hiei, do you take Touya as your husband and uke?" Shizuru asked in a monotone voice.

"I do," he muttered.

"And Touya, do you take Hiei as your husband and seme?" she asked with no emotion in her voice. Touya groaned.

"... I do..."

"OK, I now pronounce you man and man. START TONGUE WRESTLING!!" Everyone, including JJ, leaned in. Hiei and Touya kind of leaned in before punching each other. Everyone but JJ groaned.

"Cute!" she yelled out cheerfully. Everyone turned to stare at her. She looked at them all.

"What?"

* * *

Oh Zeus, this is one of the stupidest fics out there. Possibly the stupidest of them all!! ... SWEET!! Go ahead and review. Flamers can do it also. I know this was lame. But it was an attempt at a wedding kinda gone horrible. So later!

JJ


End file.
